Top 10 Lists

Top Ten Signs Your Relationship is OVER.

June 12, 2009

10. You get home and find your apartment lined with boxes of your stuff.

9. She calls to say she’s spending some time at her mother’s house… even though she once said she’d rather drink battery acid than spend another night under that woman’s tyrannical rule.

8. You call him while he’s on a trip to Amsterdam, and the naive man at the front desk says: “he just stepped out.  Would you like to speak to Mrs. Smith instead?”

7. She starts wearing much sexier clothes just to do the groceries down the street.

6. You discover a pregnancy test in the garbage… but you haven’t had sex with her since the Presidential elections.

5. You drop by his office unannounced for a surprise quickie and find his personal assistant kneeling on the floor– and she’s not picking up fallen papers.

4. You get back from work early, only to find him in your bedroom, clad in your lacy lingerie… with his “fashion consultant” waiting on your brand new Egyptian cotton sheets.

3. During a dreaded family get-together, your man’s mother reproaches you about taking an exercise class that involves a stripper pole because it’s demeaning to women… as is dressing like one.

2. Out of the blue, he suddenly decides it’s time for him to “discover” himself, quits his fantastic job to go backpacking around the world, and relays the information via text message.

1. At 3 o’clock in the morning, you wake up to the sound of moaning.  Upon discovering she’s not beside you in bed, you find her in the office in front of your webcam, trading naked correspondences with Sven from Germany, whose monstrous frankfurter is enlarged on the glowing screen.

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