Top 10 Lists

Top 10 Most common sex injuries/medical cases

June 26, 2009

Welcome back everyone!  Enjoy, and see you Sun with the position of the week.

Top 10 Most Common Sex-Related Injuries/Medical Cases

10. Rashus Vaginus: A burning, itching sensation of the nether region, typically caused by the continuous friction of mesh or nylon panties given to you by your partner.  Although mild, this can be extremely uncomfortable and publicly noticeable as you find ways to sit/stand/hold a conversation without scratching the hell out of your genitals.

9. Groin Strain: Typically occurs when attempting #s 57, 58 and 97 of the Kama Sutra without stretching first.  Results in a hobbled walk for up to two weeks and an inability to have sex in any position other than the starfish.

8. 3rd Degree Rug Burns: Most frequently appear on elbows, knees, chin and derrière.  Can lead to noticeable sandpaper-like chafe marks, embarrassment and in severe backside cases, the impossibility of sitting down for more than five seconds.

7. Neck spasm: Caused by giving intense oral sex for extensive periods of time, during which the neck seizes up and cannot be moved.   Side effects include looking a bit like Frankenstein and being able to turn your head only when turning the rest of your body.  Cured with rest in three days and your friends’ laughter.

6. Loss of circulation in the wrist : Most frequently occurs in bondage situations where one’s hands are tied above the head for excessive periods of time (also known as being left hanging).  Aside from the short-term despair at being left alone and naked and unable to pleasure yourself, effects include telltale bondage marks on the wrists and mild blueness of the fingers.

5. The Brazilian Backbreaker: While trying to contort yourself in an enthusiastic attempt to show your partner you’re flexible, your back gets stuck in an inverse-U position.  Symptoms typically last several days and are alleviated by two anti-stupidity pills every four hours.

4. Black and blue balls: Due to the accidental yet forceful squishing of the testicles by a knee, fist or stiletto heel.  Causes excruciating pain and a non-sexy cowboy walk.  Rest for 1-2 weeks with frozen peas on your package and a bottle of JD in your hand.

3. Prince Albert, meet my tongue: Piercings are all  fun and games… until someone’s tongue ring accidentally gets stuck on to his Prince Albert during a hot BJ.  Your humiliation is off the charts when picked up by amused EMTs in an ambulance, and the pain and swelling makes you think twice before putting your mouth on a penis with metal protruding from it… or letting someone blow you with a barbell through her tongue.

2. The self-imposed knockout: Caution: headboards are stronger than they may appear!  Don’t think your head is hard enough not to get cracked open when you over-eagerly misjudge your own strength (or hers, if she’s on top) and slam into it with excessive force.  When you awake from your concussion, remove the headboard immediately, and make sure to avoid collisions with hard surfaces.

1.  Penile Fracture: Snap!  If you hear this sound during sex, call 911.  Most often, this is caused by an overzealous partner who misses his aim (e.g. while doing the pile-driver) or by having her come down too hard while riding you.  Can lead to not being able to use, touch, or bear to look at your (literally) purple-headed monster for over a week until the swelling subsides.

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Comments

  1. Alice

    June 27, 2009 at 2:18 pm Reply

    Oh Ms. Sylver. I so enjoy your lists.

  2. Matness

    June 26, 2009 at 4:37 pm Reply

    Surprised ‘torn frenulum’ aint on the list.

    1. lexisylver

      June 29, 2009 at 10:03 am Reply

      Hahaha you’re absolutely right, it should have made the cut. Ouch!

  3. Fantasia

    June 26, 2009 at 1:47 pm Reply

    I can only laugh and smile at #2 …

  4. Doctorate Upholder

    June 26, 2009 at 12:29 pm Reply

    Penile fracture is the most common? Oh god!

    1. lexisylver

      June 26, 2009 at 4:27 pm Reply

      Haha! No no… but it’s the most intense of all the rest.

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