Welcome back everyone! Enjoy today’s Top 10. Read it below, but be sure to check out my website too!
Top Ten Sex Rules
10. Never enter the back door without ringing the bell first.
9. Having sports on TV in the background is fine, because people are cheering. Documentaries about surgical procedures should not be viewed. Not even during foreplay.
8. Sex can sometimes go into extra innings. However, sessions need not be marathons each and every time, particularly if she is falling asleep or has a glazed-over look in her eye.
7. Your pubic hair should never be longer than your dick. If it is, she reserves the right to ixnay the bootay.
6. If planning to squirt your load anywhere near her eyes, you must give her advance warning. Grunts are not permissible.
5. Condoms aren’t just good Christmas decorations.
4. Anal beads come out… SLOWLY.
3. The maximum amount of time required to bring your partner to orgasm should not exceed the amount of time spent having the sex itself (not including foreplay):
a) UNLESS the sex session is, in itself, short-lived (to be determined by her).
b) UNLESS there was nonexistent foreplay (tsk, tsk!). Then this rule is moot.
b) If exceeded, your partner is allowed to complain freely about neck pains, lockjaw, an over-exerted tongue, tired arms and carpal tunnel syndrome. And you aren’t allowed to say a thing about it.
2. Teeth are useful for things like chewing, nibbling, biting, opening difficult plastic packages, and ripping tape. They should not be bared while wrapped around human meat. (Special note: pushing it down her throat without notice stimulates something called her “gag reflex” and will likely cause her to bite down.)
1. If you don’t remember her name: a) don’t guess b) don’t ask c) don’t call back.
Check back Sunday for the latest Position of the Week!