Happy Hump Day, my Lexual friends and fiends!
It’s been a heavy last few weeks in the media, and I think we could all use a little bit of humor sandwiched between some deeper posts.
(And no, I’m ABSOLUTELY not undermining the importance of what we’re facing as a society. Yes, I will be posting on the magnitude of the political events in coming weeks. There is a lot of important ground to cover, and I want to be sure I can properly articulate what I need to say about slut shaming, consent, sexual assault, sexual education and more.)
So here’s a little bit of lighthearted humor from deep, DEEP within the Lexi vault. (For context, I originally wrote this Top 10 list in 2009!!!!) I’m sure there are a bunch more I could add to this now, but I want to leave the list intact to preserve the dryness of my old humor from almost a decade ago.
To start, I must quote George Carlin: ”If God had intended us not to masturbate , He would have made our arms shorter.”
(Note: this Top 10 includes terms for playing with dicks and pussies.)
Top 10 Euphemisms for Masturbation
10. Applying lip gloss
9. Gone fishin’
8. Checking the status of the I/O port
7. Slapping Yul Brenner a high five
6. Lubing the tube
5. Playing a little game of five-on-one
4. Dialing “0” on the little pink telephone
3. Minding your own business
2. Waxing the candlestick
1. Choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come
I hope you enjoyed my Top 10 list – more sexual humor to cum!
All puns are ALWAYS intended.
Stay tuned for some Lexcellent news, with my new podcast with SDC launching Thursday, October 11 at 5 PM PST / 8 PM EST on The Sexy Lifestyle, powered by Voice America!
Yes, it’s quite a step for me, and I’m incredibly Lexcited to share my thoughts about sexuality, health and relationships with you all, on a platform where I can be UNCENSORED, no holds barred, and cover all the taboo topics you want to know about but are too scared to ask about!
So don’t say I didn’t warn you…