Top 10 Lists

Top 10 Euphemisms for Masturbation

October 3, 2018
Top 10 Euphemisms for Masturbation | Lexi Sylver
Lexi Sylver Mating Season Erotic Short Stories

Happy Hump Day, my Lexual friends and fiends!

It’s been a heavy last few weeks in the media, and I think we could all use a little bit of humor sandwiched between some deeper posts.

(And no, I’m ABSOLUTELY not undermining the importance of what we’re facing as a society. Yes, I will be posting on the magnitude of the political events in coming weeks. There is a lot of important ground to cover, and I want to be sure I can properly articulate what I need to say about slut shaming, consent, sexual assault, sexual education and more.)

So here’s a little bit of lighthearted humor from deep, DEEP within the Lexi vault. (For context, I originally wrote this Top 10 list in 2009!!!!) I’m sure there are a bunch more I could add to this now, but I want to leave the list intact to preserve the dryness of my old humor from almost a decade ago.

To start, I must quote George Carlin: ”If God had intended us not to masturbate , He would have made our arms shorter.”

(Note: this Top 10 includes terms for playing with dicks and pussies.)

Top 10 Euphemisms for Masturbation

10. Applying lip gloss

9. Gone fishin’

8. Checking the status of the I/O port

7. Slapping Yul Brenner a high five

6. Lubing the tube

5. Playing a little game of five-on-one

4. Dialing “0” on the little pink telephone

3. Minding your own business

2. Waxing the candlestick

1. Choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come

I hope you enjoyed my Top 10 list – more sexual humor to cum!

All puns are ALWAYS intended.

So don’t say I didn’t warn you… 

Lexi Sylver Mating Season Erotic Short Stories

Lexi Sylver

I’m a shameless sexcapader, author of erotic tales, sexual educator of taboo topics and alternative relationships, pleasure toy sexpert, and advocate for sexual freedom. My mission is to empower you to shamelessly explore your Lexuality, stripping away your inhibitions and fears, so that you can freely pursue the fulfilling sex life and relationships you desire — and deserve. As your Lexual guide, I’ll help you map out your own erotic journey by giving you the tools you need to better connect with your own mind and body, communicate your desires and needs with your partners, and thrive in your customized, authentic lifestyle. I’m known for my passionate style and inclusive approach, drawing from my own real-life experiences to educate, entertain, and inspire you, all while helping you discover the realm of infinite erotic possibilities that await you once you open your mind to them. Whether you’re indulging in my erotic short stories, getting sex and relationship coaching from me, joining my webinars and events, reading my articles and blogs, perusing the sex toys in my shop, or listening to my podcasts, I strive to stimulate you to think about your sexuality in a new light — freely and fearlessly. Dare to delve deeper and explore YOUR Lexuality.


  1. Top 10 Euphemisms for Female Masturbation | Lexi Sylver

    April 26, 2013 at 9:01 am Reply

    […] time for another one of my Top 10 Lists. Here I’ve updated a previous list of euphemisms I wrote awhile ago (which included euphemisms for both male and female masturbation). Next week, I’ll showcase […]

  2. Fantasia Lillith

    July 19, 2009 at 10:55 am Reply

    These are too funny!!!

  3. Davis

    July 17, 2009 at 10:20 am Reply

    those are really funny, especially the Yul Brynner reference (if anyone younger than 50 gets it) 🙂

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