Top 10 Euphemisms for Masturbation

Happy Hump Day, my Lexual friends and fiends!

It’s been a heavy last few weeks in the media, and I think we could all use a little bit of humor sandwiched between some deeper posts.

(And no, I’m ABSOLUTELY not undermining the importance of what we’re facing as a society. Yes, I will be posting on the magnitude of the political events in coming weeks. There is a lot of important ground to cover, and I want to be sure I can properly articulate what I need to say about slut shaming, consent, sexual assault, sexual education and more.)

So here’s a little bit of lighthearted humor from deep, DEEP within the Lexi vault. (For context, I originally wrote this Top 10 list in 2009!!!!) I’m sure there are a bunch more I could add to this now, but I want to leave the list intact to preserve the dryness of my old humor from almost a decade ago.

To start, I must quote George Carlin: ”If God had intended us not to masturbate , He would have made our arms shorter.”

(Note: this Top 10 includes terms for playing with dicks and pussies.)

Top 10 Euphemisms for Masturbation

10. Applying lip gloss

9. Gone fishin’

8. Checking the status of the I/O port

7. Slapping Yul Brenner a high five

6. Lubing the tube

5. Playing a little game of five-on-one

4. Dialing “0” on the little pink telephone

3. Minding your own business

2. Waxing the candlestick

1. Choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come

I hope you enjoyed my Top 10 list – more sexual humor to cum!

All puns are ALWAYS intended.

So don’t say I didn’t warn you… 

Until next time, Stay Lexual and connect with me on Instagram, OnlyFans, Twitter and Facebook, where you can get all of my most recent updates, down to the dirtiest little detail!

XXX
Lexi