Top 10 Lists

Top 10 Euphemisms for Masturbation

October 3, 2018
Top 10 Euphemisms for Masturbation | Lexi Sylver

Happy Hump Day, my Lexual friends and fiends!

It’s been a heavy last few weeks in the media, and I think we could all use a little bit of humor sandwiched between some deeper posts.

(And no, I’m ABSOLUTELY not undermining the importance of what we’re facing as a society. Yes, I will be posting on the magnitude of the political events in coming weeks. There is a lot of important ground to cover, and I want to be sure I can properly articulate what I need to say about slut shaming, consent, sexual assault, sexual education and more.)

So here’s a little bit of lighthearted humor from deep, DEEP within the Lexi vault. (For context, I originally wrote this Top 10 list in 2009!!!!) I’m sure there are a bunch more I could add to this now, but I want to leave the list intact to preserve the dryness of my old humor from almost a decade ago.

To start, I must quote George Carlin: ”If God had intended us not to masturbate , He would have made our arms shorter.”

(Note: this Top 10 includes terms for playing with dicks and pussies.)

Top 10 Euphemisms for Masturbation

10. Applying lip gloss

9. Gone fishin’

8. Checking the status of the I/O port

7. Slapping Yul Brenner a high five

6. Lubing the tube

5. Playing a little game of five-on-one

4. Dialing “0” on the little pink telephone

3. Minding your own business

2. Waxing the candlestick

1. Choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come

I hope you enjoyed my Top 10 list – more sexual humor to cum!

All puns are ALWAYS intended.

So don’t say I didn’t warn you… 


Lexi Sylver

Lexi Sylver is the Montreal-based erotica author of Mating Season and All the Queen’s Men. She enjoys having a kinky and unconventional lifestyle and sharing her stories and experiences with others. Lexi hosts and produces’s sexuality podcast, Seek, Discover, Create with Lexi Sylver. As an entrepreneur, advocate, educator, public speaker and coach for consensual non-monogamy and the swinging lifestyle, she journeys the world to attend travel events and conferences. She regularly contributes articles about sexuality and relationships to Pornhub’s Sexual Wellness Center, ASN Lifestyle Magazine, and her personal blog. As the Media Director for, the world’s largest adult sex education and swingers dating platform, Lexi collaborates with sexuality, health and relationship experts to provide reliable resources for those who seek it. In her work as an advocate, educator and coach for consensual non-monogamy and the swinging lifestyle, she travels frequently to conferences and speaks publicly at events like The Montreal Taboo Sex Show (Le Salon de l’Amour et de la Séduction). Lexi wrote and creatively produced many movies, series and scenes in the adult entertainment industry and was nominated in 2017 for an AVN award for Best Screenplay. She is a published erotic author with her new book, a collection of erotic short stories called Mating Season, now available. Her mission is to promote empowerment and education by guiding you to shamelessly explore your Lexuality!


  1. Top 10 Euphemisms for Female Masturbation | Lexi Sylver

    April 26, 2013 at 9:01 am Reply

    […] time for another one of my Top 10 Lists. Here I’ve updated a previous list of euphemisms I wrote awhile ago (which included euphemisms for both male and female masturbation). Next week, I’ll showcase […]

  2. Fantasia Lillith

    July 19, 2009 at 10:55 am Reply

    These are too funny!!!

  3. Davis

    July 17, 2009 at 10:20 am Reply

    those are really funny, especially the Yul Brynner reference (if anyone younger than 50 gets it) 🙂

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