Top 10 Euphemisms for Masturbation

Happy Hump Day, my Lexual friends and fiends!

It’s been a heavy last few weeks in the media, and I think we could all use a little bit of humor sandwiched between some deeper posts.

(And no, I’m ABSOLUTELY not undermining the importance of what we’re facing as a society. Yes, I will be posting on the magnitude of the political events in coming weeks. There is a lot of important ground to cover, and I want to be sure I can properly articulate what I need to say about slut shaming, consent, sexual assault, sexual education and more.)

So here’s a little bit of lighthearted humor from deep, DEEP within the Lexi vault. (For context, I originally wrote this Top 10 list in 2009!!!!) I’m sure there are a bunch more I could add to this now, but I want to leave the list intact to preserve the dryness of my old humor from almost a decade ago.

To start, I must quote George Carlin: ”If God had intended us not to masturbate , He would have made our arms shorter.”

(Note: this Top 10 includes terms for playing with dicks and pussies.)

Top 10 Euphemisms for Masturbation

10. Applying lip gloss

9. Gone fishin’

8. Checking the status of the I/O port

7. Slapping Yul Brenner a high five

6. Lubing the tube

5. Playing a little game of five-on-one

4. Dialing “0” on the little pink telephone

3. Minding your own business

2. Waxing the candlestick

1. Choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come

I hope you enjoyed my Top 10 list – more sexual humor to cum!

All puns are ALWAYS intended.

So don’t say I didn’t warn you…