Welcome back to my playground, my Lexual fiends and friends.
What is it really like to be a swinger?
Swinging, just like any other form of relationship, takes dedication and yeah, work! When couples embark on their swinging journey, they naturally come upon a variety of stumbling blocks. Often, as expressed in many of my coaching sessions for non-monogamous couples, they never anticipated the level of communication, trust and honesty required to make a swinging relationship work.
So, for you folks interested in opening up your relationship, the question is: what do you really know about the swinging lifestyle?
From the outside, you may have gained your perception of swinging from popular media: TV shows, movies, radio. You might think that “key parties” is how swinging really is, or that swingers live a life of hedonistic bliss without any other dynamics involved.
And sure, there CAN be lots of pleasure involved, but there’s soooo much more, especially when you factor in the importance of our health, our relationship’s well-being and the well-being of our community. A great way to do all of this is to learn from and collaborate with folks who embody and practice what they preach!
Which is why I’m so excited to chat with Mr. Mocha, the co-producer of the lifestyle podcast Ofacez, who joined me to share some of his wisdom gained from over a decade of swinging with his wife, Mrs. Mocha.
We debunk myths that newbies have when they first enter the open lifestyle and become swingers, and the importance of trust, honesty, and communication as being central to all types of healthy relationships. If you’re monogamous and curious about entering the lifestyle, you may want to ask yourself: am I already practicing these pivotal and crucial pillars of communication? If the answer is no, you absolutely have to work on your communication skills before exploring swinging and non-monogamy, or else you’ll be setting yourself (and your partners) up for lots of potential problems in the future.
We move into exploring intimacy versus sex, and how that’s defined differently for each person. Great sex can be had without any intimacy at all, and the two can be separated or combined, depending on your relationship dynamics and partners. We also cover the differences between cheating in monogamous relationships versus ethical non-monogamy, which can be confusing to some! In short, the premise behind cheating is the betrayal of a partners trust, perhaps by doing something they don’t know about (so it’s not consensual). Sure, cheating can happen in many contexts, and yes, even in ethical non-monogamy; the gift of openness isn’t just a free pass, either! We ethical non-monogamists use our communication skills to find the boundaries and comfort levels that work for us as individuals, and as partners in a relationship. Within these boundaries, we how we can enjoy certain freedoms within the swinging lifestyle.
Mr. Mocha also delves into some of his personal experiences that himself and his wife, Mrs. Mocha, have experienced as an interracial couple on the receiving end of racism and discrimination, both within and outside of the swinging lifestyle. It was an honor to listen to and learn from his unique experiences.
He offers insight and perspective for understanding the Black Lives Matter movement and systemic racism. As white folks, we’ve been conditioned in so many ways, some of which are ingrained in our subconscious, that we do have racist tendencies and mindsets, even if we don’t realize it and aren’t overt about it. Mr. Mocha emphasizes how this is a collective movement, and we must work together to check ourselves, our communities, and our systems at large to put our foot down to racism. This requires lifelong learning and incorporating these modalities in our lives to ensure that we’re truly supporting change and it’s not just a trend. Mr. Mocha finishes with actionable advice to move forward and help create meaningful change in the lifestyle and in our world.