Welcome back to my playground, my Lexual friends.
All relationships have their own unique challenges. Each partner adds their own personality to the mix, each with their own desires, needs, wants, and insecurities. We bring all of ourselves to our relationships, so when things aren’t going fabulously, it’s impossible not to take it personally.
Whatever your relationship style is, know that we ALL experience highs and lows. In the best of cases, our partners are our companions and can help us figure it all out as we experience it all together.
Think of a relationship coach (like myself) as your guide to help you ease your way through your specific hurdles and pave the path to a more fulfilling relationship.
Are you experiencing any of these 14 red flags in your relationship? See below and find out!
1) You keep having the same arguments over and over and OVER again.
Whenever you argue, there seems to be no resolution on the issues. Things just go “back to normal” after a while, but you notice feelings coming up in other (even unrelated) conversations and maybe with a tinge of passive-aggressiveness.
Look, every relationship comes with its share of tiffs and arguments. And, when handled properly, having some disagreements can actually be good for your relationship. In some cases, they can provide opportunities to break a silence, be honest with each other about how we’re feeling, and address things that could be improved.
But when we don’t resolve our shit, and we don’t follow-through on what we promised we’d do to move on from the incident, then one or both of your needs are STILL not being met. Back to the same old arguments.
Maybe you’re caught in a pattern, as so many couples tend to experience: you argue with each other the same way. You get stuck in the blame game, who said what and when, getting caught up in certain words or facial expressions or tones of voices. Relationships can become strained and extra challenging, especially if you aren’t able to communicate effectively.
Addressing communication stumbling blocks to begin to break down the walls that you’ve built between you can help get to the original sources of your individual and collective frustration.
2) You feel like you can’t talk to each other (or don’t want to).
If you’re finding it hard to find things to talk to your partner about, or even finding it hard to talk about difficult topics (like paying the bills, for instance). Maybe you’re pissed off about something but haven’t talked it through with your partner yet.
All healthy relationships NEED honest and non-judgmental communication from everyone involved. And those kinds of communication skills CAN be learned.
3) You can barely remember the last time you had sex.
It’s definitely been awhile since one or both of you have had the desire or time to fuck each other. Maybe the sex is boring (hey, it can happen, no judgment) and it’s not motivating either of you to put in the effort to do it, or work to improve your sexperiences.
Look, dry spells can happen to any couple. But if one or both of you are just NOT feeling it, and you want to reconnect with each other sexually, a little assist can go a long way to jump-starting your Lexual engines and may improve your relationship as a whole.
4) You’re stuck in a rut.
And you’re fed up with the same old, same old when it comes to seduction and sex with your partner. Maybe the idea of binge-watching your favorite series together whilst cuddled up in your coziest pajamas sounds more enticing than fucking each other.
While perfectly fulfilling, any routine can also become perfectly boring. Routine is not spelled E-X-C-I-T-E-M-E-N-T. Both of you could probably use an infusion of novelty and creativity to boost your desire for each other. Maybe you just need insight and inspiration, customized to you, your desires, needs and goals, and your specific relationship dynamic.
5) You feel like the “spark” just isn’t there anymore.
Whether you’re spending time with your partner, texting them or thinking about them, you don’t get that same zing as you used to. You may have noticed this before, but you brushed it off at that time. Still, you miss those butterflies, that spark, that intense magnetism between you. And you want to get that feeling back.
Have you tried finding new things that arouse you about your partner and remembering what first attracted you to them? Dating them like it’s the first time, asking questions you don’t know the answers to? Going somewhere completely new and experiencing novelty together again? Those are just a few Lexual tips to think about as you consider how coaching can benefit you and your relationship.
6) You feel disconnected from each other.
It’s a challenge to maintain a connection with anyone these days – even if you’re living with them. With tons of distractions at our fingertips and infinite movies and videos only a few screen taps away, it’s a wonder we lift our heads from our devices at all. Stash your devices somewhere hidden (on silent) for a few hours. Allow yourselves to turn off the virtual world and simply tune into the moment – and each other.
Then there’s the kind of disconnection that can stem from your needs not being met by your partner, feeling not seen or understood by them, or lacking fulfillment in the physical or emotional departments of your relationship. Connection doesn’t always mean sex, but it’s SO crucial to feel connected and enjoy intimacy with your partner. If you’re missing that element, then there’s likely a bigger story behind that.
7) You can’t seem to find a rhythm in both of your busy schedules to spend quality time with each other.
Yeah, I get it. Life can be busy. But it’s crucial to take time to slow down and enjoy the moment, and enjoy the other’s company (whether that means sex or not), and just be intimate with each other.
If you don’t have the bandwidth for conversation, watch a movie and spoon on the couch. You can also try getting out of the house together, even if it’s just to take a walk outdoors to get some fresh air. Playing a board game together can be incredibly fun, engage your competitive juices and stimulate your intellect, and are often filled with moments of laughter, which is why it’s one of my and my partner’s go-to when we are looking to refresh and strengthen our bond.
8) There’s a lack of balance of energy / work between you.
Even if you don’t share a living space with your partner, there can be a disequilibrium in the amount and / or frequency of “mental load” in your relationship. When one partner consistently takes on more responsibilities (like running errands, taking initiative, making plans, cleaning, cooking, contributing to finances, planning appointments etc.), that partner may feel taken for granted, left alone to do things by themselves, frustrated, hurt, etc. That doesn’t bode well for anyone, including, of course, your relationship or your sex life. Communication is essential to clear up about each other’s level of expectations, abilities, and interests in equilibrating the mental load.
9) Cheating happened.
Well, it didn’t happen by accident, even if the way your or your partner found out about it may have been accidental. Cheating doesn’t just mean physical infidelity, especially in some types of open relationships in which fucking other people is totally permitted. ANY kind of boundary violation can be cheating, whether those boundaries are physical, emotional, or otherwise. If one of you went beyond the agreed-upon boundaries, however minimal or major it may seem, can leave a mark and affect the level of trust and honesty in your relationship. Lots to explore there ASAP to make amends and move the relationship into a more positive direction (if that’s where both of you want it to go).
10) Everything’s okay between you, but you’re ready to spice things up.
Not sure how or where to start when it comes to adding some fuel to the remaining embers of your sex life? Whether you want to or simply have sex in an adventurous new place, try out a kinky bondage fantasy, or even have a threesome, coaching can help you prepare yourself (and your partner) and help you Explore your Lexuality.
11) You and/or your partner have gone through a major life change / experience.
Losing a job, experiencing grief, dealing with health issues, financial hardship, or moving to a new place are only some examples of big shifts in your lives that can also cause a shift in your relationship. If you feel like you’re suddenly walking on eggshells with each other, blocked for communication, and finding it difficult to connect with each other (and even yourselves) then getting someone to help you and guide you can go a very long way. A sex and relationship coaching session or some couples therapy can help you.
12) Your libido and your partner’s could not be less aligned.
Sexual desire mismatches are VERY common in relationships, and can also evolve over time. Elements like personality, external stressors (e.g. the news), adjusting to medication, difficulties with physical or mental health and a slew of other reasons can contribute to changes in desire, low sexual desire and a higher sex drive. Figuring out the source(s) of the mismatch, and exploring how both of you can help meet each other’s (and your own) needs, sexual and otherwise, would be helpful in deciding how to move forward together.
13) You’re talking about moving from monogamy to an open relationship.
I didn’t have the benefit of having a guide when my partner and I first journeyed from monogamy to the swinging lifestyle. We made mistakes. Even now, at this more advanced stage, with more experience, education, we can still make mistakes. But learning from experience is NOT the way to go when it comes to opening up your relationship.
There is so much more to know before you even take that first step, and throughout each step as you experience the lifestyle for yourselves! That’s where I come in.
Maybe you don’t know where to start, or it’s just tough to talk about sensitive topics like, I don’t know, having sex with other people, maybe. I know firsthand how much of a challenge it can be to get on the same page with your partner about boundaries and real-life swinging and even knowing where our own true comfort zones lie.
14) You and / or your partner recently had a negative experience in the lifestyle.
If you’ve been in the swinging and open lifestyle for a little while, you know it’s nearly impossible to find someone who hasn’t had at least one less-than-desirable experience. Just speaking for myself here: I’ve witnessed mid-orgy arguments between jealous lovers, almost had a unicorn experience with a newbie couple who wasn’t as ready to open up as they first thought they were, and watched my friend catch her boyfriend having sex with two other women, after he’d excused himself from drinks with her at the bar to “use the facilities.” I’ve experienced miscommunications, assumptions about my partner’s feelings and needs, boundary violations… the works. It would have been insanely helpful for my partner and I to have had an experienced swinger lifestyle guide through those tough times.
If you’re experiencing any of these relationship red flags, then let’s talk!
Book a free 15-minute coaching consultation with me and discover how I can help you and your partner(s) have a more fulfilling relationship and sex life.
Until next time, Stay Lexual.